I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
You Might Also Like
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.