Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
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I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
me as a parent
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Cannot stop laughing at this
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…