Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
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Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”