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“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Gods work.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Does your wife know you’re single?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something