Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
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Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Very good! 👍😂
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.