“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
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‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.