Baking is just science you can eat.
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[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.