Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
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WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Seems legit
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.