chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
You Might Also Like
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.