Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no