Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
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I put the mess in domestic.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
…..pretty much.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.