Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
You Might Also Like
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.