What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
You Might Also Like
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
😂😂😂
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
get you a girl who
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper