Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
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No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Has science gone too far?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.