It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we