like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
You Might Also Like
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.