So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.