every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
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I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
monday
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old