I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
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“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*