Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
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You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
You deplete me
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.