I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
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good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
I would like even faster food.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.