If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
You Might Also Like
buys donuts instead
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
What a year we’ve had this week.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*