This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
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My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Meme Monday.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*