Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
You Might Also Like
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)