her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
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If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Ken is short for chicken
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
I’m putting together a team
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.