some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
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*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?