I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
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My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Things will get butter, keep churning
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out