A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
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Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.