[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
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my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I’m giving up for Lent.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.