[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
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I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late