He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
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annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
men are simple creatures
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’