Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
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14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.