My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
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Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
This is sending me to another galaxy
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.