Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby