German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
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DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!