I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
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Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
*seductively eats two tums*
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009: