Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
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[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
How do you like your Corgi?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”