Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
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They say women only use 10% of their anger
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
birds and squirrels envy us
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Bros before Ohioes
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down