Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
You Might Also Like
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂