The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
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doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Livid.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
❤️❤️❤️
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.