Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
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My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd