I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
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5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6