Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
You Might Also Like
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
this chia pet tastes awful
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed