do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
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The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
They don鈥檛 serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Him: I鈥檓 a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I鈥檓 a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That鈥檚 really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it鈥檚 only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
#KarenAndTheCat 馃槈
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Who.
Did.
This?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
This pepper has seen some shit