There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
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*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
it’s either covid or clever vampires
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
IT’S-A ME,
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.