Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
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Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.