Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
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7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Awwwww shit.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.