My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
You Might Also Like
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.