I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
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the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
reviewed some movies recently
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.