I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
You Might Also Like
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.